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Dogs and Puppies For Sale

They say laughter is the best medicine, so here's to your health!

The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List 

DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed. It will cause 
aggression problems down the road.

DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate. Crate is just
 another word for small cage.

DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night.  If God had 
wanted dogs to sleep outside, he would have covered 
their body with hair to keep them warm.

DON'T let your dog sleep. You should be 
playing with him all the time.

DON'T keep more than two dogs. Each
 individual Dog requires considerable time
 and energy, and it is impossible for a
  responsible dog owner to spend 
quality time with more than two dogs.

DON'T keep less than five dogs. Dogs are pack animals,
 and five dogs is the minimum number
  for proper socialization.

DON'T feed your dog kibble. Kibble is the invention 
of evil capitalists who want your money, and kibble
 has No nutritional value whatsoever. You might as 
well feed your dog sawdust.

DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken.
 Cooking Destroys all the nutrients.
 

DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken.
 Raw food contains salmonella, e-coli, and
 other harmful bacteria.

DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl.
 It will turn his nose pink.

DON'T post messages to a dog list. You will surely get 
bopped on the head for thinking that someone else 
cares about your silly little opinions.

DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick.
 It has nothing  to do with dogs, 
but it's a good rule nonetheless.
 

DON'T microchip your dog. A nearby cell phone 
can cause a micro chipped dog to explode,
 or so says the lady running the tattoo booth.
 

DON'T tattoo  your dog on the ear. 
A dog thief will cut off the tattooed ear.

DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh. 
He'll be a tripod before you can say Ginsu.
 

DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended.
  He could get caught on something and choke.

DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar.
 He could run away without any identification.

DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate.
 Plastic crates don't allow sufficient air flow.
 

DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate. 
In a car accident, a wire crate transforms
 into a doggie skewer.  
On days you plan to have a car accident,
 it's acceptable to use a plastic crate.

DON'T let your dog drive.
 It's against the law in many states.
 

DON'T enter your dog in conformation.
 It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog.
 

DON'T enter your dog in obedience.
 It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital "B."

DON'T enter your dog in agility. 
The jumps will injure his joints.

DON'T send your dog out with a handler. Only a 
psychopath would send their beloved pet with a 
complete stranger.

DON'T handle your dog yourself. You've got a 
great dog, and he deserves a much better
 handler than you will ever be.
 

DON'T get a purebred dog.
 Too much inbreeding has produced dogs
 with temperament and health problems.

DON'T get a mutt. You don't know anything 
about Their pedigree. In fact, if you're 
thinking about getting a dog, get a cat instead.
 

DON'T don't. That's right, you heard me, just Don't!

DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws intact.
 He will rip one off jumping a log or
 something, which is quite painful.

DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws. 
Dewclaws are acupuncture points that are 
needed for proper functioning of the kidneys.
 

AND, the #1 DON'T ....

DON'T trim your dog's whiskers. 
Dogs use their Whiskers to determine the size 
of their head, which is important when 
 they are out shopping for a new hat.  
                                    

Why I like dogs!

How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered ornaments from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Drink another beer then get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink large tumbler of whisky to take away pain. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the little ^%@)_+*^!$@()% front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, pry cat's mouth open with small spanner.

Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

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ATTENTION ALL DOGS!!!

THE FOLLOWING ARE IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS FOR EVERY DOG TO KNOW 

Instructions for properly hugging a baby.

1. First, spy a baby.

2. Second, be sure that the object you
 spied was indeed a baby by employing
classic sniffing techniques.
If you smell baby powder and
the wonderful aroma of wet diapers,
 this is indeed a baby!

 3. Next you will need to flatten 
the baby before actually beginning
 the hugging process.
 **Note: The added slobber should
 help in future steps by making the 
"paw slide" easier. 

4. The "paw slide" - Simply slide paws 
around baby and prepare for 
possible close-up.

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you
will need to execute the 
difficult and patented "hug, smile and
lean" so as to achieve the best 
quality photo.

Dogs, if this is properly done, 
it will secure you a warm, dry, 
climate-controlled environment
for the rest of your life. 
Good luck to all of you! 

In the end, life boils down to two questions.

Do we get a dog?

Or do we have children?

Sheepdog37@hotmail.com

Outta the way!!!

These morning walks are killing me!

    Danger Zone!

What part of quiet didn't you understand?

Say Cheese!

  And you think you
have problems???

 Red neck pet carrier

Red Neck House Alarm

Red Neck Car Alarm

SOMETIMES A HUG JUST FEELS SOOO GOOD!

What cat?

Border Agents

Dish Washer

Flashlight

Team Work

Talk about taking it literally!